Getting LOST from my Self every time the Outside World is too demanding
TW: mentions child abuse, etc.
I have made my way to age 41 'slipped through the cracks' of childhood neglect/trauma/etc.
I have done a lot of therapy in my life, I have achieved a lot of things. Yet inside my heart is a broken clock and I have no motivation, no close friends, no positive image of myself: every day feels like a roulette wheel where I spin around trying to catch up with the outside world, which moves so fast it's a blur.
Content/trigger warning (Highlight to read)I feel like inside me there used to be my self directing me how to live. Now my SELF has been spun around so many times, it has been shaken, rattled, rolled, inside me is just a white noise screaming AAARGH I WANT MY MOTHER TO DIE and on the outside there is a person who cries a lot, hides inside their room, starves themself and then is highly admired outside in the world but has nowhere to exist because it seems that my INTERIOR is just the white noise which is the residual pain of abuse, but where did myself go? Why is myself walking around in my body but I can't feel myself in my actual brain?I feel like inside me there used to be my self directing me how to live. Now my SELF has been spun around so many times, it has been shaken, rattled, rolled, inside me is just a white noise screaming AAARGH I WANT MY MOTHER TO DIE and on the outside there is a person who cries a lot, hides inside their room, starves themself and then is highly admired outside in the world but has nowhere to exist because it seems that my INTERIOR is just the white noise which is the residual pain of abuse, but where did myself go? Why is myself walking around in my body but I can't feel myself in my actual brain?
If I do something active my brain and body will connect. If I play my guitar and sing my brain and body will connect. Before this crap: I feel the joy of playing guitar and singing so I do that because I love it.During this crap: I only feel the white noise and I want to sit still and cry for 8 hours and not play the guitar.Old life: I was regularly connected to other people who play music in groups.New life: I don't have a car and I can't afford to get to the music groups and I walk everywhere and I am too tired to walk around at night 2-3km walking + train trip = debilitating exhaustion.I feel that the natural answer is to be a street busker in the day time, but to me that accepts that I will never get another job and that being a homeless bum is my fate.As I have been homeless several times due to money problems, I have to choose to be miserable having a job or trying to get a job - being happy by playing guitar on the street in the sun and connecting with people.After many years of hard labour my body has started to fall apart.AT WORK I am the same maladjusted person who does not know love, I am an empty and hollow person, but I have something in my life to keep me away from the haunting coldness inside (my mothers contempt for me).WITHOUT WORK I only feel the coldness inside.My mother abused me all my life "get a job" but in the modern workforce I am offer absolutely nothing as I do not have a friendly female attitude I have a "STFU and do your job" attitude as I was never socialised as a female and I spent the first 40 years of my life working with men.Now those old men have retired I have an old man attitude and people want to hire a "nice lady" well I am simply not a nice lady, there is no motherly attitude in me as I despise people asking for emotional gratification from me. No one gratifies me, I am not their mother at work or anywhere in life. So there is an additional later people view a friendly, pudgy, womanly face and they expect to be loved as a child or a man-child, and I don't have compassion for anyone in life especially not at work. I go to work to leave my problems at the door and I can't relate to ANY problems of normal people because my problems are related to having a toxic and abusive family that ruined my life.
Additionally, because my mother has denied all of the abuse in our lives I feel plagued by this situation:
Content/trigger warning (Highlight to read)"IF there is no such thing as abuse THEN WHY is my entire life such rubbish BECAUSE Mum said "Nothing matters except doing what your mother says" IF my mother said "THE ONLY THING IN LIFE YOU NEED TO DO IS PLEASE YOUR MOTHER" IF I did what she said for 40 years, IF pleasing her is being a male supremacist BUT she is wrong, she is VERY WRONG, her husband was a child abuser BUT she has aligned herself with child abusers AND she took all the money from child abusers THEN child abuse and male supremacy is correct."So my mind is poisoned by a constant narrative of debate that results in total exhaustion and inertia and I am very tired of fighting this demon........very tired...........................................I want it to stop. "IF there is no such thing as abuse THEN WHY is my entire life such rubbish BECAUSE Mum said "Nothing matters except doing what your mother says" IF my mother said "THE ONLY THING IN LIFE YOU NEED TO DO IS PLEASE YOUR MOTHER" IF I did what she said for 40 years, IF pleasing her is being a male supremacist BUT she is wrong, she is VERY WRONG, her husband was a child abuser BUT she has aligned herself with child abusers AND she took all the money from child abusers THEN child abuse and male supremacy is correct."So my mind is poisoned by a constant narrative of debate that results in total exhaustion and inertia and I am very tired of fighting this demon........very tired...........................................I want it to stop.
