Thankyou for the editing.
I get this type of "switching" going on. Under my mother's rules i am not allowed to do music or have friends. For many years this was an extreme repression, amnesia and performance anxiety.
I noticed a pattern I owned a guitar for 25 years and just moved it around with me never played it but I really loved it and i would sit and hold it. Fast forward through some trauma processing I remembered at one point I had played the guitar in year 2 and really loved it.
Then I started paying for music lessons as an adult and I LOVED the guitar so much even went through a phase I was getting two lessons a week spending all my money on the lessons.
It is something about social acceptance if I see other people with guitars or if I am in a band I am "allowed" to play guitar in my mind and I will do it a lot.
But somehow at certain chapters of life "If i identify as a bad person i cant do music and if i have external factors that remind me i am a musician i can do music"
As a kid I was a highly talented and prolific musician but my mother beat me constantly for playing music so it is associated with pain and rejection.
Once upon a life I could FEEL emotions from "my life" but for about 10 years "my life" has been so cursed with unpredictablilty, unreliability, cost of living and rental crisis, I rarely feel anything at all, every day is monotonous of no connection to emotions.
BUT somehow the presence of other people will make me connect to emotions and to myself. When I am acknowledged by my friends I feel powerful.
Yet if I do not exist without my friends what am I and how come my SELF has become stuffed further inside my body when it should be flying loud and proud outside because I have not only fixed up a lot of trauma I have gained a lot of skill.
OLD LIFE: Hates my mother as a nemesis, plays music as defiance, hoped to join a band and play gigs.
MIDDLE LIFE: Did not care about my mother, Joined some bands, played some gigs, had a cracker time. Car died, Can't afford car. Car was very good for carrying instruments to jams. Music cost me $5000-10,000/year to keep the car going.
NEW LIFE: Hates my mother as a powerful demon who broke my entire life, does not play music just sits around sadly with no motivation to do anything, no hope for the future.
IF my mum hated my music SO I played it to keep her nice and angry
IF I decided it's part of the family sickness to hate and irritate each other
WITHOUT being fuelled by hate where is my motivation?
BECAUSE somehow in escaping from the "good mother bad child" dyad I have become "bad mother no child" persona where my ADULT self as a fairly out there person has gone back inside a middle aged veneer, and my brain knows I should think this "I no longer get abused by the mother and i am a bit competent at music so I should love the chase of it but how come since I shut down abuse I am not motivated any more"
and
"when i am outside of my house i can really feel a lot of songs moving around in me and once upon a time i would write those down but now if I think of music it disappears under the memory"
Does anyone register this:
"Thinks of music or other activity that brings a lot of happiness"
"Remembers that it broke and the other people are gone and a lot of grief for bandmates whom are gone"
"Forgets to do music/purposefully does not do music"
"Sits on phone for 8 hours arguing on social media comments"
WTF this loser person is the opposite of me. ME is a person who is used to 90% isolation and eccentric character and having friends and community but since the outside world of friends, community, the car etc went away, I just sit in my room passing every day by.
***That said I got a role in a musical ensemble and when I am there I feel beyond happy. When I get home it's like that world doesn't exist and I am my usual sad self but, my old self would have been walking around VERY excited about the role, motivated and seeking more opportunities. (Defensive mode if I tell the people around me they will be jealous of me and theres no point to feel happy as it willl all evaporate soon anyway and you're a fake artist with zero degrees and qualifications, only 25 years of existence in the arts world but gets thrown on the scrapheap and has been replaced by young graduates who dont even know their craft"
It is a horrible existence, inside me is ME but I am still trapped under devoid emotions and, in society all the other devoid people have died, left town or got medicated.
