Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

@Acanthiza, I don’t feel safe with people, it feels pointless to reach out for help. I feel much safer alone, so I often find myself to be. I know they say it goes against human nature, but if I had one safe person in my life, I may have reached out every now and then. I don’t have a safe person and I don’t think I ever have.

I know things have calmed down, but I have been advised to reach out to a crisis line if things got super bad. Which they did, I went into planning an attempt mode. Now I feel absolutely nothing, but it also means I am less likely to end my life since I’m so apathetic. Being sick hasn’t helped, even I have uni stress building up because I haven’t been able to do the work I need to do

[Acanthiza]

Very tough @creative_writer , I am glad you can talk on here at least. The feeling of nothing, or the lack of feeling... horrible in its own way. I would say don't worry about uni, you can always figure it out later there are always ways and means. Maybe easy for me to say...

I don't know if sharing some of the things that helped me out of feeling seriously suicidal would be useful. Have I already shared them? Sorry I don't remember what I have written. Really hoping the worst has passed for you, even if for a little while.

[creative_writer]

@Acanthiza, my mum suggested I get extension for the assignment due on Friday just in case, so I just need to concentrate on the test on Wednesday first.

Feel free to share. I have a safety plan which I have saved to my phone for easy access and I have the PRN which has become a regular med now. The worst has passed, but still not great. Throat infections suck big time, probably explains my increased migraines and moodiness

[Acanthiza]

@creative_writer  I am glad the worst is over, sorry to hear you are sick. Whenever I am sick my mental health definitely suffers.

I think the driving force behind what I was getting and what you are going through are probably pretty different... I did have an undiagnosed mood disorder though.

Anyway somehow I had a mix of emotional and logical response to get away from being in real danger. I reasoned with myself which somehow helped and gave me something to build on.

It was a lot of things but the main thing was realising how long life is and how much that gives the opportunity for things to change. That coupled with the reasoning that if I followed through all the possibilities would be gone... it was logical to leave a chance of things improving. Somehow I held onto that piece of logic through everything that followed.

Other things that helped was considering what the impact on my family would be. Also one other thing that is harder to explain... I have a kind of coping mechanism where I get a kind of ironic humour from when things are really bad? Not really funny but a feeling that somehow gets me through, hard to explain.

Alright I don't know how to share the real specifics, maybe it is impossible because it is so much that just went on in my brain with myself. Also it could all be easily not applicable for you and your own individual situation. I will stop rambling away now feel free to ignore me. I am not trying to say anything is easy or my situation is anything like yours. I will seriously stop waffling now

[creative_writer]

@Acanthiza, the only thing that really got me through was spirituality. I was reminded of my purpose, sometimes you come through things and you’re like this is actually what I needed to hear. It sounds like you told yourself if you were to continue, it was possible that you might have a meaningful life in the future. I think meaning does help. We all create different meaning from life.

I don’t feel like people are enough to keep me going, maybe that’s just me.

It is a struggle nonetheless, between what the heart and mind say

[creative_writer]

When one stupidly triggers themselves🤦🏻‍♀️ . Really should be more careful with music, I didn’t realise this would happen

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @creative_writer 🙂
A particular song trigger you this morning? I know what this feels like.. been thinking about it a bit lately actually.. I'm trying to practice mindfulness during the song rather than focusing on connecting the song to the memory I once had.. while it's not easy, I think it's harder to say goodbye to a song/band/artist I really love because I feel it's been "tainted" - what do you think of this?

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[creative_writer]

@PizzaMondo, I haven't actually listened to this particularly song much and generally don't find the rest of the songs as triggering by the same artist. It's hard to explain, because I don't want to post what lines I found triggering on the forums. There were themes around loss of innocence. Also some themes around hyperviligance

[PizzaMondo]

That's OK @creative_writer - sharing the themes that came up for you when listneing to the song is enough for me to get an idea of what may have triggered you.

I'm wondering how this song has made you feel - how and what are you feeling at this very moment? Music really can have surprising effects on us, it can take us on a journey and some times be incredibly cathartic too. I'm a big believer that what we digest from lyrics, sounds and different songs is super subjective also, but that's where the power lies.

P.S. I appreciate you being considerate of what you post on here also!

[creative_writer]

@PizzaMondo things like not feeling safe, not feeling whole and as innocent anymore, remembering the icky body sensations of trauma. I’ve had body flashbacks in the last few days which may mean I’m a little vulnerable right now