I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m so sorry @Jynx. I didn’t realise you lost your pop. That’s so very hard. That’s a shame you slept through. I’m sure there will be a recording somewhere. 

Perfectly good reason to postpone your inspection. I was actually thinking of you today as I was scrubbing my house. I still have to hose of the back verandah but the rain put a stop to that. I’ll do it later and I still have to clean the front entrance but I need an outdoor broom for that and I don’t have one. Other than that my house is spotless! I will re-clean the kitchen, sweep, vacuum and wash the floors tomorrow just before my friend gets here. So I’m basically done. That massive impossible list got done! 

It’s so tough, it’s a massive mess of a roller coaster. I just wish it was one thing not a combination of everything. One thing I think I could deal with. My psych is amazing. She is an absolute gem. 

I did stand out in it but it was very cold, the temperature dropped a lot and suddenly. 

Im surprised to see you today but I’m very happy about it! 😛 

Im actually feeling a little tired at the moment for the first time in a little while. I mean sleep tired. Physically I’m exhausted. 

How are you? How are you coping with the loss of your pop? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hehe yep I am helping out whilst tyme is away! 

Thank you hun. I am feeling... I dunno, weird I guess. I didn't really have a close relationship with my Pop, so my biggest feelings are for my dad, who is dealing with so much already (late stage Parkinson's). Thank you for your support hun, and for thinking of me during your cleaning escapades! Well done on clearing 'the big list' 💜

Are you getting excited about your friend arriving tomorrow? Physical tired sounds about right hey! Hope you can get some solid snoozles in this evening. What are you up to this arvo?

[Captain24]

I thought so @Jynx. I miss @tyme but so happy to see you!!! 

I get that, the feeling for your dad more than yourself. I’m glad you are kinda ok about it.

I was pops girl, I was his favourite not that I realised that at the time. 

It was a mammoth effort but I got there, well except for the back verandah but it is raining still. I’ll just do it tomorrow. Of course I thought of you, we were in it together! 

I am excited but I’m also a little unsure. I will have someone around 24/7 for a couple of days. I don’t get downtime. It’s really overwhelming. 

I’ve been physically exhausted for a while now but keep pushing past it, the sleep tired I thought was good so I tried to have a nap to help catch up on sleep and hopefully slow this mania down but once I got into bed I was wide awake. I’m fighting a losing battle. It’s only going to get worse the less sleep I have. This is all leading to a disaster that I need to try and be ready for

[Shaz51]

awww so sorry @Jynx , sending you lots of tender hugs my awesome friend xoxo

[Jynx]

@Captain24 thanks hehe

I totally get that - you're used to having your space to yourself, to retreat to! Funnily enough, your friend might have similar feelings! We all need downtime at times, and there's no reason you can't let them know when you're feeling like you're reaching your limit and may need some alone time. Or even just do some body doubling type of thing - sharing space with no obligation or expectation of any actual conversations! 

Oh I feel that!! I think it's why I struggle to take naps - it's like the moment I actually put effort towards it, like drawing curtains or even the act of crawling into bed itself, my brain is like 'oh we're doing a task now?' or something 😅

The only time I really nap is when I fall asleep watching tv or something, like moments where I'm not focused on 'taking a nap' but the nap just finds me anyway. Maybe next time you can try to 'roll with it' a bit more - like just chill out on the couch, not necessarily with the intention of napping but sort of saying 'if I doze off, yay, if I don't, I'm still chilling out' sorta thing.

[Jynx]

Ty @Shaz51 - received! So warm! Hehe 💜

[Captain24]

She may do @Jynx. I guess maybe we can work together. She leaves sometime Sunday, I then have to go shopping and get stuff sorted for work and work the next day for 4 shifts. I’m really overloading myself people wise! 

I don’t actually sleep on the lounge. The dogs notice and jump on me but it’s not really a sleeping kinda lounge. 

I thought it would work going to bed and trying, I had nothing on my list that had to be done, I actually felt sleep tired and there was a storm happening. Everything was pointing in the right direction, perfect conditions but no… it’s really frustrating as in the last 55 hours I have had a some total of 5 and a half hours sleep. Not because I’m trying to stay awake because that’s all my mind is wanting. 

It’s leading to some desperate thoughts. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 very busy weekend for you hun! Peopley occasions fill my social cup a lot, but can drain my physical and emotional energy quickly hey. 

Something I've found with my insomnia is that 'trying' to sleep doesn't work for me. Because it feels like a task to accomplish, which means pressure, which means possibility of 'failure', and means my brain is active in trying to 'do' the thing...whereas sleeping is the opposite energy. It tends to sneak up on me when I'm not focused on it. This is why I was encouraging you last week to try to re-focus on something like memories of the beach, i.e. going to your 'happy place'. It doesn't always work, but I know that the moment I get frustrated that I'm not falling asleep is when sleep is out of reach for that moment. 

With these 'desperate thoughts', is there a way you can allow them without necessarily following them? Like an acknowledgement, without an indulgence, if that makes sense. 

[Captain24]

Yeah. I’m a little stressed about getting right through until Friday morning. I get a break then until Christmas Day. @Jynx. I need to do a lot of work on myself. But that feels like pressure too. 

I tried the beach, I even put the sound of waves on. I honestly am doing everything I can. But maybe I am putting pressure on it. I need sleep to stop the mania. The less sleep the worse the mania. That’s where I think the pressure is coming from. I guess maybe I just need to go with the flow and see if that happens like you said. I don’t have any alarms set to wake up incase I actually stay asleep and don’t want any sleep disturbed. 

I told my psych I would be safe. So I need to be even though in some moments that’s really challenging. I told her all of them and how bad. I was pretty open then that was the mention of hospital. She is really concerned as it’s a really unsafe situation. She won’t check in though so that’s a little hard. I don’t see her for 2 weeks. So she won’t know what is going on. Just because I’m suppose to.. I am safe. I think that’s right? 

I have turned the tv on for the first time in days, I actually can’t remember the last time I did turn it on. I’m using my ‘pick ‘ems’ so that is keeping my hands busy. The thoughts start a little while ago but they are the most extreme when I get to bed. I just realised that that is probably not helping with sleep! 

Just a little photo my mum took the other night when I was at work. 

 

 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sounds like you're onto the right track hun - that internal and external pressure to sleep might also be triggering the PDA stuff, creating internal conflict. For me it feels like I hit an insurmountable mental wall when stuff like that happens, and continuing to push, to 'try harder', often just exacerbates the issue, be it sleep, chores, or heck, even sometimes doing nice things for people. It's that sense of obligation that makes it harder I think. 

I can hear how much you value your relationship with your psych. If not wanting to disappoint her is keeping you safe, then I say yippee! Sometimes it is more about getting through than what is getting us through - because we can adjust once we're through, but we can't adjust if we don't find that way to get through, you know? Which is a very rambley and meandering way to say I think it's a valid way to support yourself through a difficult time!

omg LOOK AT THEM!! What darlings, all lit up in the little star. Love it!! 😍