Unsure (aren't we all!?)

[Kindtoyourmind]

Hey!

So I'm new here, and I was hoping for some advice or guidance or to vent - not really sure! I have ASD, ADHD, PMDD (seems like an ever-growing list here), all late diagnosed at around 30/31 as a now 33yo female (A likely story, I'm sure!).

First things first - skill regression / more difficulty masking, whichever way you would prefer to see it. How does everyone cope with this? I find it increasingly difficult as someone who society would deem as "high functioning", otherwise known as "low support needs". I feel like the older I get, the more I get to know myself, the less capable I feel. Which is more of a struggle to friends and family as well, because they all know the incredibly high masked version of me - slowly becoming more increased with my needs, I almost feel guilty that I feel like I need more support? Like it isn't believed because it wasn't there before? Which then makes me feel guilty for trying to get accommodations and I feel like I'm in a weird in between of not being able to mask as well - but feeling the need to more so because of how I think I'm being perceived...if that makes sense? On the flip side, I know this is my perception, but it also makes me feel like imposter syndrome like "am I making this up?".

I also feel like work is getting harder and harder. I work full time in a helper-based role which is also high pressure to an extent (justice and risk-based case management). I love the work, have done this in various capacities for just over a decade, but now getting through a full work week is exhausting! If I'm working from home - I struggle to motivate myself, but going into the office five days a week seems impossible. I also don't know what I would do if it wasn't this and as we all know with the cost of living - I can't quit and worry about that later either. But contrary to my usual self - work self LOVES people and helping. 

I'm at the very beginning of possibly applying to NDIS for support - but I just don't know. I don't know what support I need or would be able to apply for? I'm physically capable, I have a solid work history, I am privileged in the sense of being self-capable - and feel guilty for considering supports. But in the same thought, I barely have the energy to do anything outside of work. Chores, shopping, hobbies, things that bring me joy - all come second to pure exhaustion. Like I'm not capable of making a decision or following through with one to help myself. Cooking, exercise - forget about it, zero energy. 

This feels a lot like a rant, and I am sorry if it comes across as one! I think I'm seeking guidance in any domain related to employment, hobbies, burn out, community supports etc. I feel like I've done my time with psychologists for now, and I don't want to always be focused on "fixing" myself. I want to focus more on working with myself rather than against. It's like I feel like I need a person who is with me that helps me get stuff done that isn't my partner! 

Any who - sorry for the rant! Any advice or recommendations would be amazing, because I don't know how much longer I can keep feeling utterly exhausted and lost! (To clarify, I am completely safe, and in no way a concern for myself at current - please be safe x) 

[Tessy]

Hi @Kindtoyourmind 

I can’t even explain how well I recognise the things you’re saying. From one perspective, it definitely is a lot. From another, it seems that the root of it all, is about how to allow yourself to be your authentic you. We can come to a point in our lives where we become aware that we have needs that are not being met… we are all taught that we are supposed to work hard, make a contribution to family & community, etc. But often we lose ourselves in these things, or they only partially fulfil our own needs, and then we’re left having to make the ultimate decision: do I accept what I have and learn to live with the void? Or do I honour my own self-awareness and try to change my circumstances to fall more into line with that? Hint: there’s no right or wrong answer… nor does everything have to be addressed at one time. It’s the whole “how to eat an elephant” theory… one tiny bite at a time. It’s impractical to change all the issues you see in one foul swoop, but we can make small changes, addressing one aspect at a time, allowing for your overall well-being to improve gradually, and for you to see if the things you think will make a difference, take you in the direction that you are wanting to go.

At the end of the day, once you change the way you treat yourself, others will change how they treat you too. If you prioritise your well-being, others will recognise that and increase their consideration for you too. 

I hope this helps a bit, and that you enjoy the journey… it can definitely be an interesting adventure 💕

[DahliaDreams]

Hello @Kindtoyourmind,

Please don't feel guilty for seeking support and accommodations. I was late diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) at around 50 years of age. I only wish I'd known about my ASD at a much earlier age, as I believe life would have been easier for me. Right now, I would apply for NDIS support if I thought I was able to get it, but someone told me that you needed to have a diagnosis of ASD2 or higher to be eligible. I should check up on this!

Life would definitely be a lot better with ongoing support. 

As for being exhausted by a typical working week, apparently that is very common for people with ASD and it was certainly my experience my entire adult life. I ended up only working part time due to this reason. I also worked in healthcare, and although I love people, I finally realized that this was not the right career for me and so I got out of it around 10 years ago. It was very exhausting, and my quality of life suffered as a result of being very tired much of the time.

Having left healthcare and having accepted my limitations I now embrace my autism in my own way. As for "masking" - I have done that since I was 9 or 10 years old and I really don't know any other way to live. Autism is funny like that - it's like being trapped in some kind of dual reality. You know you are masking but it works so you keep doing it. You know you aren't neurotypical, but the neurotypical folks have no idea that you aren't one of them. So - you are a "self-confessed imposter." It reminds me of like being in some kind of spy novel or something, it really is a weird way to live. This is just my own experience and I'm sure others experience masking differently.

I'm sorry if I am raving on! I didn't mean to highjack the conversation by talking about myself. I wonder if you can relate to any of this? Please feel free to reply if you wish to. 

[Kindtoyourmind]

@DahliaDreams 

Thank you for your response! You didn't hijack it at all haha! I think its all apart of how we support others, by sharing how it has impacted our lives and how we show that we understand whats being said - I do it all the time! 

I appreciate your perspective, and I think part-time might be a great idea!

I would look into NDIS support and what can be offered, as I also know that things are changing with regard to that. In addition, I know that post-diagnosis can also impact the level in which you're identified (1, 2, 3) - because I know that I'll be looking into a more updated diagnoses for myself as I feel my skills and awareness have dramatically changed - might be worth it as well if you have the capacity too? 

Reach out any time

[Kindtoyourmind]

@Tessy 

Thank you! 

I think its so easy to get swept up in in the moment and spiral in your own mind of all the things that need to be fixed - and the ADHD and mindset of "all or nothing", which is an ongoing thing I need to be aware of. 

But the reminder to take a step back, do things one at a time and slow down is always helpful! I think it causes a lot of distress in my little noggin sometimes for all things in life, cleaning, work, friendships, health, hobbies - its always "I need to do it all or I'm not doing it good enough!" and I know this is something I need to work on!

Slowing down isn't bad, and doesn't make us bad people. We simply need to not take "work hard" or "give it 100%" as literal, and know that if we have lower capacity on a day, and can only give 10%, that is 100% of what we can give. And thats okay!!

So thank you for the reminder to stop, slow down, and be kind to ourselves. 

[Tessy]

You’re most welcome 😍