I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m a little down @Jynx. But it doesn’t matter. 

I’ve got more epic pics from yesterday before we left. I’ll post them later. 

I had my gyno appointment today and I have surgery on the 18th of November. So that’s a little unsettling on top off everything else. 

How are you going? How has your days off been? 

[Captain24]

@Jynx @tyme 

  

 

 

 

 

  

[Jynx]

Oh my stars, that is soooo hard @Captain24. Sitting with uncertainty is hard enough, throw in the ADHD 'waiting is agony' and you got a recipe for big stressy, you poor dear. 

Days off have been pretty standard haha, kitties and cleaning and wandering around barefoot. Got to stick my toes in the sand me own self!! You maaaaay have inspired me 😋

And I totally found a shark egg!! 

Decided not to bring it home, cos STINKY! 

[Captain24]

I know @Jynx. Then I don’t know what time, how much the anaesthetist charges or when they are going to call. They may call me a couple of days before or the day before to book it all in. Do I have to have an assessment for the anaesthetic? Do I need to go over to the other town to do it? What time do they want me there? Do I need to book accommodation overnight if it’s early? I’m not dealing with the unknown or the waiting. It’s just adding to everything. Plus I thought it would just be done under a local anaesthetic not a hospital trip. I need to take a week off work. But do I take the day before the surgery off if they haven’t called me or can I go to work? I don’t know whether this is an adhd or asd thing. 

I’ve had a mega busy day, I’m not sleeping well, I’m tired, I’m miserable and I’m a failure. 

Im glad you got into the sand. It’s pretty amazing, so grounding.

That photo with the storm brewing and the green water is awesome! Shark egg is pretty cool. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I think it's an ASD thing - needing to know how something is going to play out. It's called like 'rigid thinking' or 'cognitive rigidity' - essentially we have more rigidity in our nervous systems, so big changes, deviations to routine, and going into unknown or unfamiliar situations can be extra challenging for us. Hence why we can find last minute plan changes to be really distressing 😅 So yeah not surprised you've got so many questions!

Could you email this list of queries to the surgery/medical team? 

You're going through a lot hey my dear. Wanna tell me a little more about some highlights from your beach trip? Or something that you're maybe looking forward to? Distracty chats!! If you're up for it of course 😉

[Captain24]

I don’t have an email address. I don’t have another appointment. I don’t know who the anaesthetist is. All I know is which hospital and that date. I do know it’s $500 for the hospital and his gap fee is $500 so that’s $1000 before I know how much the anaesthetists gap fee is. The only benefit with being private is it gets done quicker and the gyno is my surgeon. @Jynx 

I hate not having control and not knowing. I just don’t cope. I have 25 days to wait. 

I just want to vent but I’m not allowed. 

The highlights were my beach swims and seeing Pix enjoy herself in the water. On one of the walks we do there is rock stairs down to the water. I took Pix down and she just played in the water until she cooled off and we could keep walking. My swim on Wednesday at the beach was amazing. There was no time constraints so I could be there as long as I wanted. The waves were epic. I dived I under so many and felt the roll of the wave over my back. I went out to past where the waves break and floated over the waves. It was so grounding and so what I needed. Water, nature and sun. It was 39 degrees so it just made for an amazing afternoon. I did read somewhere that adhders find water calming and soothing. Then yesterday when I took the dogs for the last walk on the beach before we go back the surf was really rough. I rang mum as she wasn’t with me and said I wanted to go to that rock face to see the wild surf crashing against the rocks. She didn’t realise it was rough and we went there. Dad just wanted to go home but we wanted to see it. Mum and I connect over water so it was really nice. It was also amazing to see the whales. That was on mums bucket list. You should of heard her she was so excited when see yelled ‘captain look there’s a whale’ We were watching them and then looked around and there was a heap of people there and we didn’t realise that they had all turned up. 

[Jynx]

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@Captain24 wrote:

I just want to vent but I’m not allowed. 

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Do....do you want some homework? Hahaha @Captain24 you do NOT have to do this but I just had an idea for a lil skills practice for you. 

Skills are called 'externalising' and 'reframing' - they're ways we can de-identify with our struggles and take away some of the power they have over us. 

So my suggestion is to write out your vent as if you had zero considerations - i.e. ignoring guidelines and whatnot. Then, go through it again and try rephrasing things to be external to you, and to treat these ruminations as a temporary feeling, rather than a fact of your life. 

E.g. 'I am really struggling, I'm just a terrible person and a failure. I can't do anything right, might as well give up.' 

Becomes

'I feel like I am really struggling, and the result is that I feel as though I am a terrible person. I know it's just my thoughts and that I'm not actually a failure, but it feels like it right now. I don't always get it right, but making mistakes is human. I feel like giving up, but that is just a feeling right now and feelings aren't always truth.' 

Fun fact - this is to help with the whole 'recovery-focus' thing too, in case that wasn't apparent, haha 😋 and you can just say 'nah not up for that right now' which is so fine. 

Anyway, your holiday sounds like it was sooooo special! I LOVE seeing whales too!! So epic when they leap outta the water!! I totally get that too, an affinity for water. Could watch the waves crash, or sit near a waterfall or creek for maaaanny hours 😍 Aww cute, crossing off the bucket list. See any other wildlife? Love me some critters!! 

[Captain24]

Did you read my other post? @Jynx. 

I’ll try but if I stuff up I’ll get banned. 

I could just stay by the water and forget about everything else. When we were at the rock face and the waves were wild, I said to mum that I could just stay there but dad was giving us the hurry up to go. The time mum and dad actually went to leave they would have gotten home around 1:30-2:00 instead it was just before 5! I got home around the same time but I wasn’t going to get home much sooner anyway. 

Nothing else just a kookaburra but see them all the time… oh and black swans but thats a regular too. We have them on one of the dams out at work. 

How is you ‘room’ coming along? Have you done anything with it or is it in the procrastination basket? 

[tyme]

Aloha @Captain24 

Sup?

[Captain24]

Heya @tyme 

Im not really ok but im too scared to say anything. 

I just got an email in my inbox and panicked that I had stuffed up again and was banned. That’s how on edge I am even though I should have known it was your response. Thanks by the way. 

I have surgery on the 18 of November. 

How was your day? Get any down time?