I can’t cope

[tyme]

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@Captain24 wrote:

Today went okish. It was a long day. But on my drive home I had some very dark heavy thoughts wash over me. Really intense. 

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Yet you powered through them?

This is what my psych always said: Thoughts are thoughts. You are NOT your thoughts. Your brain is doing exactly what it's supposed to do - think.  Allow the thoughts to come and go.

I know how painful it is to sit with the feeling of having those thoughts. It's not nice - but I feel that the more we allow them, the more they will soon come and go. Just because the thoughts are there, it doesn't mean we need to act on them.

Hope this sort of makes sense. I believe this aligns with Acceptance and committment therapy.

Glad you made it from work safely.

What's on for tomorrow?

[Captain24]

I hear you @tyme. I’m safe for now. Just really extremely don’t want to be here. I’ve taken my meds so I don’t have to go near them if it gets worse.

It’s just really hard right now. Really hard. I’m not sure if it’s the withdrawal kicking in but it’s brutal. 

Tomorrow 

2 loads of laundry 

clean the house floors included if it’s not raining. 

Food shopping. 

Pick dad up from the mechanic and then drop him back. 

Shower and be in bed by 12

Then head to work. 

That’s my day what about yours? 

[tyme]

Thanks for clarifying you are safe. I hear it is so brutal for you at the moment. I really hope you feel better soon.

Quick question, where do you get all your laundry from @Captain24 ? Is it just work clothes?

It sounds pretty busy for you tomorrow. But I'm sensing that you zoom around pretty fast with your work?

What time do you start work? 

You continue to amaze me how you manage your MH and such hours in shift work. WOW. I can't get my head around it. 

Tomorrow for me... um...:

- computer work

- meetings

Umm... I'm lost about tomorrow. I actually don't even know! I'll think of it after I finish my work tonight! I've got a few things I have to do tonight so they are ready for tomorrow. So I feel my brain is only on that so there is a blockage and I can't think of tomorrow - yet!

[Captain24]

I just have to think the end is in sight but apparently this is the bad stage @tyme 

Im one of those that separates everything when washing, darks, colours, lights. Yes my work clothes. I only wear them once as the get pretty dirty. 

I’ll get everything done. It keeps me busy and occupied. I’m most productive on shift changeover day. At work I’m hoping it’ll be a cruisy night. I start at 6:50 but leave here at 5:30 and get up at 4:30. Dayshift and nightshift are the same hours just it’s either daylight or dark. 

Sometimes I amaze myself. But it’s just got to be done so I just have to push. I find it interesting that I can be deeply suicidal then get up the next morning and head off to work. One of my aunties said my bipolar can’t be as bad as her sons because I work and function. That hurt a lot. It’s not easy. 

I hope you don’t stay up too late planning for tomorrow but as you get tonight’s list ticked off tomorrow maybe clearer. What time do you normally go to bed? 

[tyme]

Sorry @Captain24 ! I'm soooo behind and look at the time!

Fair enough re the colours. I used to do that when I did the family washing, but for myself, I just throw everything in because I can't wait around for the loads to be done.

It is sorta comforting to know that it's 'expected' that this is the worst part of the med changes, right?

"One of my aunties said my bipolar can’t be as bad as her sons because I work and function." I HATE this statement! I remember someone saying to me that I was 'putting it on' because I was okay at work and then be a torment when I came home - that comment, to this day, still stings. It's as thought I CHOOSE to have MH?????

Anyway, I'd better get off.

I'm so sorry for all the delays!

[Captain24]

So it’s 10 and I’ve been up for 3 hours. 

I have cleaned the kitchen and ensuite, I have done 3 loads of washing, I have swept, vacuumed and washed the floors, I’ve done the ironing. I have picked dad up from the mechanics and been grocery shopping. 

I’ve done a lot and I’m proud of myself for being so productive. Change over day is the day that I do everything the best. Now to eat, drop dad back to the mechanics, drop the dogs off and go to sleep by 12. I have 30 minutes to myself. 

[Captain24]

My childhood in a nutshell

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24! look at you go! great work on getting those things down, and hopefully you're in bed by now. 

big relate to the image you shared too. sucks that you were made to feel unsafe then, but i know you're working hard on creating that safety for yourself now. 

[AuntGlow]

It makes sense why you might feel this way as an adult @Captain24, those things are so painful for a young mind to internalise when all it wants is to be creative, connected, and curious. I actually feel like those three things are the antithesis to what you shared, in many ways.

Actually, I have an activity, if you'd be open to trying it? 

When you have the time, could you have a look at the things listed in this image and come up with an opposite you could work towards exploring? For example: "You were taught that it's not OK to have your own opinion" - "I am slowly working towards reclaiming my voice by sharing my opinions in safe spaces."

I would love to see what you come up with, but absolutely no pressure. This is just a little reflective/thought exercise. ☺️

[Captain24]

I’ve just woken up @rav3n  I didn’t sleep very well, I kept having weird dreams that woke me up. It’s part of the withdrawals. But I just have to think there is only tonight and tomorrow night until I’m off work!!! Also another week and a half til I’m off the meds and two - three weeks of withdrawals to go!!