Where to begin ?

[CLB1990]

Hey Guys , 

Not really sure where to start here but I need to start somewhere. 

Been in and out of a bad headspace for the last 20 or so months. 

It all started when my now Ex Partner and I went to Europe for the trip of a life time. The trip its self was great but I noticed she was growing distant. Long story short we got back and I found out that she was talking to a guy from her gym and that she liked him more then she should etc, I found this out because we were away camping one night and he phone kept going off while trying to sleep so I went to put it on silent and seen the messages. 

Inevitably we broke up so she could go find herself and has since moved abroad and is seemingly thriving. 

I am still in contact with her as I can't ever imagine my life without her in it 

, I pay her car loan & and insurance as she would not have been able to go do this overseas adventure without my help. ( I know I'm stupid but you do these things when you want the best for someone) 

I have been to therapy and taken other steps to try and find motivation and happiness in life but it's a struggle daily. 

I'm not sure where to start , I live in a small country town and all of my close friends have moved away , I have family here but unfortunately alot of the time contact is only when it's convenient/they need something. 

I miss my Ex like nothing , I spend most weekends alone and I struggle to interact socially with others. I am definitely in a rut and have no idea how to get out of it so any suggestions or advice would be amazing.

Finding the joy in life is a daily struggle so I guess I'm looking for some guidance on finding myself and loving myself as I have no sense of identity or purpose. 

Thank you ! 

[MJG017]

Hi @CLB1990 

I don't think there's anything wrong with putting someone you love ahead of yourself. It speaks so much for your character and what a kind and caring person you are.  Oh and by the way.. welcome to the "I only hear from family when they want something" club.  I'm a life-long member.

I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts.  It is great that you still are in contact with this woman.  I understand you still want the best for her but, if you're honest with yourself, is paying for her car loan so she can go overseas for the best?  You may honestly think it is, and that's totally fine if that how you feel.  My concern would be if it's stopping you from moving on with your own life.  Like I said, it great that you are still looking out for her, but you also need to look out for yourself.  I'm sure she would want you to be happy as well.  So it may even require an open and honest conversation with her.  If she doesn't see a future with you in a relationship, then i think you need to start thinking more about yourself and how you can move forward with your life.  If that's staying friends with her and helping her financially, then great!  I sincerely hope that she fully appreciates what a great friend she has.

Maybe you just need to get back to doing some things that you enjoy.  Even small things that bring you a bit of happiness or peace is a great start.  Baby steps and all that.  I do get that it's hard when friends have disappeared and you struggle socially. (lifelong member of that club as well!)  It's hard, but it's important, and perfectly okay, to put yourself first some of the time.

Honestly, you sound like a very kind and caring person.  The right person will see that and when you find them then you can find that life where you are loved, valued, and not in this constant pain.  You definitely deserve that.  So my advice... think about what you need right now to start moving towards being happy and even if it just one or two tiny things, start moving in that direction.  You're not alone in this and there's people her who can empathize with what you're going through.  It's difficult, but not permanent.  Be kind to yourself. (I'm still figuring out how I join that club)

[Abz]

Hi @CLB1990 

i too am trying to figure out how to be kinder to myself.  It’s tough when we feel unworthy of niceness from others and from ourselves.  I’ve started by looking for 3 good things that’ve happened today and writing them in my bullet journal.  I’ve been pleasantly surprised some days to get to 4 or 5 things.  Even simple ones like it finally stopped raining for 20 minutes so I could take the rubbish out without getting soaked counts as a good thing!  Once you start actively looking for the good, it gets a little easier every day, I’ve found.

I’ve been cutting out the could haves, should haves and would haves thinking cos all I do is use it to beat up on myself for past regrets.  It’s a tricky habit to break but worth the effort.  You might find it helpful too…?

You sound sooo loving and caring.  I hope you find someone truly worthy of your generous heart and kind spirit to love you and be loved by you soon.  

Take care,

Abbz77

[Appleblossom]

I am a believer that we all need to work out how to live within our means, so another woman cautioning about taking care of your exes expenses. It’s kind of reality checking. @CLB1990 I don’t mean to be mean, but cars and travel, are not essential, and her “thriving “ when you are not really in relationship with her seems like she is using you. Maybe let her down gently, but honestly to do adulting she needs to figure it out herself. I do recognise the need to love and care for others, and have put a lot of effort into that. Also keeping attachment, when things aren’t going great has been me a lot, too. Wishing you grow new moments and connections and ways to find joy. Often it can accidental, but lifestyle choices can help.

take care