My story (Trigger warning)

[Ed1975]

I have to share this. I'm in a bad place right now.

I am 50yrs old and have been suffering with childhood trauma since I was 5.

I grew up in a home with 3 other brothers, a mother and a father. Father was very abusive. My abuse started from age 5 from when I remember (maybe before) until age 11.

TW: mentions SA, child abuse, domestic violence and abuse, suicide, addiction, etc.

Content/trigger warning

Mother was mentally, physically and sexually abused regularly. Quite often we would be stood up against a wall and forced to watch our mother's beatings. [edited by moderator] I thought she was going to die and it haunts me till this day. She also used to things thrown at her, spat at and called disgusting names. [edited by moderator] She had multiple broken bones and bruises throughout my childhood. 

I witnessed my eldest brother get bullied, hit and called names regularly. 

I witnessed my second eldest brother get severely beaten on a weekly basis for no reason whatsoever. He would be hit with whatever my father could get his hands on [edited by moderator]. We were forced to pick on him and call him names so he could react, when he did, he received beatings. He was kicked out of home at 15 and suffered chronic depression for years afterwards. At 40yrs old (12yrs ago), he committed suicide. I cannot forgive myself for this.

I witnessed my second youngest brother being SA by my father and uncle, sometimes simultaneously. He started climbing out of the bedroom window at 12yrs old to avoid the abuse. He turned to glue sniffing, petty crime and drugs. He is now 52yrs old, lifelong heroine addict and alcoholic and struggling with chronic depression back in the UK.

I was SA by my uncle with my father watching. I witnessed everyone else's abuse, too. I was also exposed to extremely graphic pornography as a child [edited by moderator].

I have always struggled with this but it has all come to a head after my father's death in January. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm living the same day over and over. I've recently been diagnosed with complex ptsd and adjustment disorder with depression. I have an ACE score of 9 and PCL-5 score or 50+. I'm booked in to see a psychologist next week to start EMDR but from what I've researched can take 2-5yrs to process complex trauma at costs of around $10,000 per year. 

I'm stuck in circle of depression and I don't know how to get out.

I don't want sympathy. I need help from people who have been through similar, please.

[Shaz51]

@Ed1975 , sitting with you my friend 🧡 

I was emotionally and mentally and physically abused by my father until mum and I left when i was 11 because the abuse was affecting our health 

I will tag a few members @Till23 , @Appleblossom , @rav3n , @Jynx 

[Ed1975]

@Shaz51 

I wish my mum would have left. We used to tell her what was happening and she would say, "this is my house, I have my ornaments and furniture here, why should I leave". It's beyond thinking about.

[Shaz51]

My mum found it very hard to leave too @Ed1975 

I think if I did not get sick , she might of stayed too 

After we left , for the next 5 years we  lived with  4 different families until we moved in to look after my grandparents and then my aunty and her 4 children moved in with us 

[Ed1975]

@Shaz51 

Yeah, I just don't know why she stayed. But I'm guessing she was in total fear for her life at the time, too. I'll never know.

[Shaz51]

I think she was too @Ed1975 

Fear is a big thing and back then women did not have the support like they do now 

We left with nothing , no money , no nothing , only family members taking us in 

[Till23]

I'm sorry you experienced complex trauma @Ed1975 

I have also experienced complex trauma and there are a few other people on here that I know have also experienced complex trauma, but there are likely more, I'm just not aware of their stories.

Often when you start to experience, or symptoms worsen, later in life, it is due to some trigger and the death of perpetrator is a well known trigger.

I was triggered by radiotherapy treatment for my first cancer which replicated some of the CSA (as well as physical and psychological abuse) I experienced frequently for years. It also meant I had to lie to the treatment team about scars I had on me, that I had covered up all of my life. A year later I was diagnosed with cancer again and had to go through the same thing. I was in my late 50s at diagnosis of first cancer. I managed to keep working somehow, despite nightly flashbacks and nightmares and daily radiotherapy treatments. I told my GP and started seeing a psychologist - it has been expensive.

You are definitely not alone.

However this is not a clinical service and we can not suggest specific practitioners or give medical advice, only share our lived experience. I know you have said you are linked in with a clinical service already.

There are crisis support services listed on SANE website - such as Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service, another place is Beyond Blue. Lifeline and Beyond Blue (at least) have phone and chat services.

You have experienced domestic (or family) violence so also eligible for help through 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) as well. There is also Blue Knoe Foundation which has information on complex trauma.

For funding it's pretty dire as I've said previously unless you are able to access public mental health service. It's GP (who may or may not bulk bill - but there is at least some Medicare rebate.

You can get 6 initial and 10 total psychologist appointment subsidised by Medicare per year with an Mental Health Care Plan (MHCP) you need a GP appointment to get the final 4 of the 10.

Psychiatrist will have some medicare rebate.

You may be able to get some compensation or counselling through your state's Victim Services (might have different names in different states), usually this is hard to get.

I hope at least some of what I've written is helpful for you.

[Ed1975]

@Till23 

Thanks for your input. 

[Phoenix65]

@Ed1975 I am so very sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. I have no magic answer, no magic wand but just know that no matter what, you are not alone my friend. I'm will offer you a friendly shoulder to cry on, an empathetic ear to vent if needed, anytime 😊 just reach out. 

[Ed1975]

@Phoenix65 

Thank you.