Just realised the extend of my mothers delusions

[Star89]

Hi everyone,

I've never posted to a forum before so I'm new to this process.

I've been managing anxiety most of my life, and have just had a season of depression which is more new. However this week I've had a massive awarness around my mother and her mental health. She's been depressed most of her life, but I've just come to the insight that she's been very delusional at certain stages. The delusions play out in her belief in god, which can be pretty extreme at times, and she has basically been more loyal to her belief in god than she has in meeting her children's needs.

I've had an enmeshed relationship with her so haven't been able to see the truth fully until this week. About 5 months ago, I set a boundary and took some space from the relationship, which was part of why the depression has been worse for me recently.

It's hard to know who to talk to and how to talk to people because I feel like a lot of people just don't really understand what it's like dealing with someone who is delusional.

I'm also coming to terms with how messed up my sense of self is, and how much of my reality was based on her truths. As well as having to be the parent in the dynamic, I had to meet all of my mum's emotional needs, not leaving much space to allow my own individuation.

It's such a mind-bending thing to realise at 35 and I feel pretty alone in trying to navigate it all, as well as trying to work and function in life in general.

I would love any resources, support or shared experiences.

Thanks!

[rav3n]

welcome to the forums! @Star89 

sometimes it's hard to 'see' when its our family members, i definitely didn't pick up on my mum's poor mental health till my adulthood and now it's like, how did i miss it all this time? but to be fair, i was dealing with my own things, and i'm sure you were dealing with your own plate too. although my mum's mental issues didn't even delusions, i can understand what it's like being brought by someone who's actions/words had so much of an impact on how you view others/world/self. i'm so sorry you had to experience this, but i'm so glad that you've reached out for support here. 

here are some resources you can check out:

• Carer Gateway
• Psychosis - one of the symptoms of psychosis involves delusions, so there's some supports in here that may also be helpful for you/your mum (just to be clear, i'm not diagnosing/suggesting your mum has psychosis) 

setting that boundary must've been tough, but perhaps also important for your mental health in the long run? how are you holding up, are you getting your self-care in? do you have supports too?

here for you 💙

[Appleblossom]

@Star89 

Sadly, I can relate. Religion and beliefs do not have to be delusional but some times they are. My mother also held her beliefs and rather warped views about religion against me. It took me a while to realise the extent and long term consequences for myself and my children.  I luckily was encouraged to teach catechism when I was a teenager and learned a broader understanding than my mother’s self serving style. My mother definitely valued religion more than her children. 4 of us were in orphanages but never allowed to talk about it when we returned to her. She had a diagnosis of schizophrenia in my ward file. I understood it was due to war trauma but still it is a heavy load for children to carry.

If you want to share in more detail. Religious belief can be very personal but can be misused. When I received an annulment to my marriage, they told me not to worry about my mother…. Wish it had been that easy… weary sigh.

[Bunniekins]

@Star89   hi Star89 i have schizoaffective disorder which is in laymans terms a mix of schizophrenia and a mood disorder. i also have ptsd. brought on by trauma inside the family.  i have 3 kidults. one of whom is very sick with mental illness, one with depression and ptsd and my eldest with depression. 

i dont know where to begin and maybe you should be talking to my daughter not me ... it has been a rocky ride over a 31 year period culminating with my very sick child having autism, schizophrenia, epilepsy and intellectual delay as a diagnosis beginning at 2 1/2 years.... 

I feel such guilt over the madness that i brought to my children and yet just the other day my daughter said i was the best mum and how much she loved me 😄  my eldest son told me that i imagine things re things to be guilty over .... i think my reality is all mixed up at times and i take my meds and see my psychiatrist....

i am going away for a few days but tag me and i will get back to you when i return. take care of yourself. love @Bunniekins 

[Star89]

Thanks for your comment @rav3n, it was really helpful and insightful. 

That's helpful to hear that you also didn't realise your mum's mental health until you were an adult. I'm learning that our brain protects us from realising things until we are safe or removed enough to deal with the truth of a situation.  

Thanks for the links, I do feel like my mum probably has schizophrenia after looking into it a bit more, and the sad thing is, her delusions will stop her from ever seeking help. She thinks god is going to come and 'fix' everything so she's taking a very hands off approach as she thinks it will interfeer with gods plan. This applied to a lot of the way she parented, hence why I ended up parenting her. But I could never explain this to her. She's so deep in her delusions, she'll never see a way out, I fear. Which is so sad and so cruel  

It's been so hard setting the boundary of not having any contact with her. I'm sure she is in a lot of pain because of it. And my dad is stuck in the middle as he's been to therapy with me about it a few times, but he's not very emotinally/ relationally intelligent so he often triggers me when he's trying to help.

The self care is really hard. My negative thought patterns are so intense. Some days I just want to give up, and others are manageable. I'm struggling a lot with my sense of self and my reality. What to believe and what's true. I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time. As there have been other things in my life that have manipulated my sense of self/ truth - religious trauma/ a partner who gaslit me a lot and make me doubt me reality / a life coach who manipulated my sense of self. It's a lot to hold.

I don't feel like I have enough support atm. I have a new psychologist but I only see her every 2 weeks and it's new so she's still getting to understand what I'm going through and who I am, so it feels very slow and not enough support. 

I have a few good friends that have been great, but they have their own lives and only so much capacity to understand and support me. as it's such a complex situation. 

And I have a life coach that has been a constant support, but our dynamic is shifting atm. I can't tell if I'm pushing her away or what's going on but it feels scary to potentially not have her support. 

If you have any other resources like support groups, people I can talk to that understand what I might be going through, I'd be really grateful! 

[rav3n]

hey @Star89 it's nice to hear from you.

that's an interesting one - about keeping us safe until we're ready! it does happen a lot with complex trauma.

it's definitely a tough situation for both you and your family. it's hard when we can both understand that our parents have their own struggles, but we too were impacted by it. i imagine there's some grief around not being able to have been a kid, and having had to look after your mum when it should've been the other way around. i can see you care about her heaps, and you've done so much to look after her and yourself. boundary setting with family is soooo damn hard, so proud of you for trying. has your mum ever been open to talking to someone about it? i hope perhaps setting that boundary can encourage her to seek support.

absolutely hear you, some days are harder than others - and it sounds like the life coach and psych are some great support systems to have. even the friends, they might not understand your situation fully, but i'm glad you have people to connect with. hopefully things with your life coach goes okay? would perhaps chatting to her about that uncertainty you feel be possible?

the forums community here knows heaps about complex mental health so pls feel free to chat with them, join some of the social threads, etc. here's some i've found, i haven't tried these myself but thought i'd share in case you wanted to try them out (first 2 is more for carers, the others are for yourself):

• Carer Support Network Tasmania
• Carers Tas - Carers Association of Tasmania
• Safe Spaces Program - Mental Health Families and Friends Tasmania
• There's a list here: Mental health community sector organisations | Tasmanian Department of Health