Feeling down

[HowWhatWhy]

I left a 20 year relationship 4 years ago. We have remained friends as we share an adult child & now 2 lovely grand babies so it's taken me some time to heal and begin to seriously consider meeting someone else.

I met a man on a dating sight, and we ended up video chatting, nothing sexual but I started to let my heart open to him as he was saying that he wanted a future with me, thought I was gorgeous blah, blah, blah.

Fast forward a month & my daughter asked to see his profile. I noticed that he'd updated his profile since we'd been chatting with a recent pic that he'd taken & messaged to me.

As it was only early days this was fine, but after talking with my daughter about how he'd been speaking with me I decided to message him to openly enquire about the update & if we were still being active on our profiles.

He replied he was only talking to me & then followed up with "but if this is a drama I'm a big boy, I'll just move on" & "I didn't think I needed your permission to update my profile". My ex often said "if you don't like it you know where the door is", so some feelings were triggered reading "I'll just move on .... "

I replied that it wasn't a drama & it would be reasonable at this stage for our profiles to remain active but that I didn't give ultimatums & didn't like getting them either, preferring open communication.

Long story short he then thanked me for my time, said it's not working for him now & blocked me.

Of course I'm not heartbroken after such a short time, but I do deal with depression & this has made me really question myself and think that I asked too much of him... at the same time I think it best to find out early how someone reacts to the harder questions & to be threatened with "moving on", and also be a bit blame shamed with "didn't think I needed your permission...." felt pretty gut wrenching. I just feel a little bit broken & exhausted... again

[rav3n]

hey @HowWhatWhy firstly - welcome to the forums!

if i'm honest, it seems like his communication/reaction was quite poor? i feel like there's nothing wrong with asking about things like why someone updated their profile, and being given a response like:

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@HowWhatWhy wrote:

He replied he was only talking to me & then followed up with "but if this is a drama I'm a big boy, I'll just move on" & "I didn't think I needed your permission to update my profile". 

seems like a defensive tone from them despite being asked a question and not accused? and then adding things like 'i'll just move on' seems a bit unnecessary, it reminds me a bit of how gaslighting begins. i'm so sorry you were treated this way, you did not deserve to be shut down and just blocked over something as simple as a question. personally, i don't think you asked too much of him AT ALL, i've been in situations where i've asked similar questions and been made to feel like it was a big deal... but only after days of reflecting and talking to my friends did i realise that his reaction made it big and not me. 

i do also want to say, it takes a lot of courage and energy to put yourself out there again - and it's really great you gave it a go! glad your daughter was there to be a second pair of eyes too, i've also found my friends pick up on things that i don't really question. it's absolutely okay to feel exhausted and hurt, you put your time, effort and heart into this - but please know that this doesn't reflect poorly on your worth or you as a whole. i hope you feel okay soon 💙

[HowWhatWhy]

Thank you so much rav3n. It's good to have some validation as that was exactly my first thought... very defensive and maybe a gaslighter. My previous partner was a huge gaslighter which made communication very hard & often combative, something I definitely want to avoid. I guess the trick is to remain open hearted & a little bit wary, a hard balance, until you really get to know a person. Keep doing the things you like & maintaining friendships & if you do connect but it ends up not being what you'd thought remember what you deserve & the woman that you actually are... a woman of worth & worthy of love that is intentional, respectful & kind. I appreciate you @rav3n 

[rav3n]

i love what you wrote here:

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@HowWhatWhy wrote:

Keep doing the things you like & maintaining friendships & if you do connect but it ends up not being what you'd thought remember what you deserve & the woman that you actually are... a woman of worth & worthy of love that is intentional, respectful & kind.

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always here for you if you wanna chat or need that validation - i know that it's so easy to second-guess ourselves, and that's often because we've got big hearts that want to give people a chance. keep being the amazing person you are 💙

[ThagSimmons]

@HowWhatWhy  and anyone else polite enough to listen to me.
🤗
I am a bloke and reading through the original post I was ticking off all the blokey red flags... by about flag 4 I was like screaming in my head.
"RUN FORREST RUN!!!"

You dodged a bullet my friend.

[HowWhatWhy]

Thanks for your post, I appreciate it @ThagSimmons