BPD/BPAD/CPTSD - Destroying my Partner

[AlphabetSoup23]

Hi,

First time poster and relieved that sites like this exist. I was wondering if I can get some perspective as I am trying to do all the right things but I feel like I am emotionally destroying my partner from BPD.

For reference: 

My partner is 43M (ADHD, medicated), I am 34F (BPD, BPAD, CPTSD, suspected ADHD by clinician, medicated for BPAD).

Current Scenario:

My partner and I have been together for around 9 months. I am doing EMdR for trauma therapy and just started DBT for BPD but I just feel like it’s not going anywhere fast enough due to the significant effects on my relationship. Normally I would just trust the process and work on things as they come but at the moment I am just so sick of the rollercoaster and I want to get off.
I have broken up with him many times because of this but we still seem to find a way back to each other. I can see how my actions are having a serious impact on him and I feel like I need to end it constantly as my splits are loaded with emotional abuse and that is not okay.

For some history:

I spent 4 years single getting my bipolar in remission and then we started to date and BPD reared its incredibly ugly head. I am trying to gain validation internally instead of constantly seeking it from my partner. I am trying so hard to emotionally regulate but I go from explosive and saying mean things to him, then withdrawing out of shame, and then completely fine 2 hours later and ready to apologise but the damage has been done.
It is a roundabout and we are so exhausted from it especially considering that I cycle multiple times a day sometimes. 

Key triggers:

I need routine and structure to manage bipolar and BPD so that I can feel mentally, physically, and emotionally safe. Because of my partner’s ADHD - time blindness, cognition issues/memory, and overwhelm - it makes it really hard to align with him and I feel I have to constantly be the driving force behind the management of things like the house and life admin. This is so much on top of everything else.

My partner requires the opposite as his brain works so vastly different. Whilst he does have trauma of his own, he ordinarily feels safe but since we moved in together all that has changed as my splits cause him to feel emotional unsafe. Then it seems that he feels caged or like I’m treating him condescendingly which isn’t something I ever want him to feel.

I am trying so hard to just exist at this point and I feel so lost. I’m doing therapy and I’ve just managed to convince him to try out therapy as well for his trauma and to see if there are more ADHD coping methods that could help him and us, but i just don’t know if we both have the stamina for this long term. Sounds a bit lame given my age (34) but it's actually the first time I feel like I am in love with someone which makes this even harder.

All perspectives welcome.

Thank you.

[tyme]

Welcome to the roller coaster world of emotional dysregulation! @AlphabetSoup23 

After reading your post, I can totally relate. It’s like a continuous explosion waiting to happen whether it is internally or towards another person. 

Something that really stood our from your post is that you often reflect on your behaviour and work to find ways of finding validation internally instead of externally.

As a borderline, I think this was so key for me. I had to set strict boundaries for myself so that people didn’t get hurt and I didn’t suffocate them by leeching off them. It was a struggle, but the more I did it, the more I was able to be grounded in my behaviour. 

Therapy took a long time for me, and when you think about it, it’s taken your whole lifetime to develop the thinking patterns that you currently engage in. Therefore, I’m thinking it would take extensive time to unlearn the unhealthy thinking habits and then learn new ways of thinking. 

For me, the result of therapy and thereafter was a new way of thinking. It was a brain changer. It’s now hard to even contemplate what a difference my way of thinking is.

I found elements of DBT and ACT helpful - I didn’t do the whole program, and was just taught some of the skills. However, I did complete MBT. This made a huge difference for me. I didn’t understand the idea of it at first, but I persevered and the change finally happened. I think group therapy was the part that had the greatest impact.

I’m hearing how much you want things to work. Does your partner have any ideas about what they want?